
It was a morning like any other when I went to make my standard scrumptious breakfast consisting of cream cheese and raspberry jam smeared on each side of a toasted blueberry bagel followed up by a large glass of milk, of course. I loaded the neatly sliced bagel into my toaster and when I pushed the slider down, I heard a very distinct pop and it wouldn’t lock down in place anymore. After further pressing of the slide and assorted shaking of the toaster, I concluded that a spring had failed in the bowels of the toaster and that it was indeed, broken. However, I found that if I held it down, it would heat up.
I was already grumpy (it was that space of time after waking up but before my morning coffee) and now I was definitely not amused by the prospect of forgoing my Breakfast Of Choice (BOC) because of a mechanical failure with my toaster. I proceeded to stomp around the kitchen looking for something to keep the slider pressed down.
I considered the different materials I had on hand to fasten the slider in the “down” position: various tapes including electrical and duct, cable (zip) ties, and even glue all crossed my mind as options but were quickly knocked out like a kid with a broken leg in a dodgeball game.
I was about to concede and utilize my Backup Morning Nourishment Provision Solution (BMNPS) which consisted of a bowl of bran cereal (Total, of course) and skim milk, when I had an epiphany. It was as if the gods parted the post nocturnal fuzziness in my head and shined the answer on my brain that would quell the rumbling in my gut. I would use a carpenters quick release clamp. It was perfect in every way; it allowed for controlled and precise pressure on the slide and a quick release so I could release the slide lest my precious bagel’s delicate surface become scorched.
Not wasting any time, I clamped the slide down, subjecting the integral component of my breakfast to the searing heat that would make it carcinogenic and delicious. After at least one and a half agonizing minutes, I released the bagel from the firm grip of the toaster by releasing the toaster from the firm grip of the carpenters clamp.
Glorious day! My bagel was toasted!
Then I looked in the refrigerator and found out that I was out of raspberry jam.
And milk.
Sigh.